Collide

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

The thin fabric of the tent diffuses the already soft morning light like a screen at a photo shoot; you look heavenly. I reach my arm above my head and take your hand as you reach out to me. We lay in peaceful silence listening to the birds, the river, the quiet breathing of the others in the tent, all of us laying in sleeping bags neatly fit into a small space like pieces in a human Tetris game.

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

After breakfast we go for a walk and end up on the banks of the Colorado sitting on the same rock. It's small, so you're sitting on the rock and I'm sitting on you. You want to play the staring game. I lose; I hate that game. You say you like to look into my eyes, that I don't let you do that enough. I'm embarrassed because I know you're right. I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

We get dusty, dirty, and sweaty on our morning hike. You carry our water and snacks in your camel back. I'm free to run about without any extra weight. I offer to take my turn with the pack but you never let me, and I love you for it. When I get thirsty I come back to you like a bird to a feeder; I like being close as I sip from the hose at your shoulder. I am scared of heights. I shut down and withdraw. I wish I wasn't like this. I'm sure you think I'm wimpy; you won't want me now.

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Ken's Lake is the last stop before we head home. We want to wash off the red sand and sweat before the long drive ahead of us. I'm nervous to wear my swim suit; I don't want you to see me in it. I'm uncomfortable, so I make jokes: my underwear covers more skin than this! I don't want you to touch me, but I don't understand why. My reaction is more visceral than cognitive. Your hand on my bare flesh makes me uptight, my muscles contract as if my abdomen were to collapse in on itself. "I don't know what you're worried about," you say, "you look great, really."

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

We drop the others off and head back to your apartment. After transferring my gear from your trunk to mine, we stay in the parking lot talking. I'm wearing the same red Edinburg shirt and pink scrubs I was wearing when we woke up this morning. My hair is pulled back in a messy pony tail and my face hasn't seen makeup for days. Now that we're back to a familiar setting, I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable and embarrassed about the way I've acted. I apologize, and so do you. We laugh. We hug. You whisper in my ear, "Becca, I love you."

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

I'm surprised and scared. I don't know what to do. I'm so paralyzed by my fear that I don't recognize what a big risk you are taking until it is too late. "I wish I could say the same to you," I say, "but I'm just so scared." "Don't worry," you tell me, "there's no hurry. I meant what I said."

You finally find
You and I collide

So much hurt. So much pain. Why? How could you love me and swear that you meant it and not want to be with me? Not this, not again. I have to confess; I can't let you think that you loved me and I never loved you back. I know what that's like and I won't let you experience it too. I gather my courage and tell you through tears that I love you. You stagger back and ask why I didn't say anything before. All I can say is that I was afraid. I'm sorry. I love you.

You finally find
You and I collide

I think of you when I hear this song--sometimes in sweetness, sometimes in pain. I wonder if you still love me, if you ever had second thoughts. I wonder if we will ever find that you and I collide.